Grief and the Holidays: Survival Plan

Many people find the year-end holiday season to be  the most stressful time of year.  This is an especially difficult time for those who are working through their grief after the death of a loved one.  I am reaching back into my archives for some things that have helped me over the years since my mother died suddenly more than 12 years ago.  Yes I have copied and culled from emails and conversations with many, many people to produce this.   What follows is not "mine".  It is a gift from many grieving hearts to yours, hoping it will help you get through the season.

1. You don't have to go to that function / party / get-together.  You can say no.  You have to take care of you, if you're going to be any good to anybody.  Other people are not the ones who get to judge what you need right now.  They will say, "You never go out; you need to get out."  No.  Here's what "never go out" looks like:  you can't function well enough to dress yourself and go get groceries.  Unless you're basically naked and starving, you get out enough.  Trust me.  You "got out" of bed, didn't you?

2. If you do go out, make sure there is somebody there (the more the better) to look after you.  Check with them ahead of time.  You'll need someone to pull you away from all the people who have to tell you how 'sorry' they are -- and want to offer their theories on why your loved one bought it.  (Inevitably, these are the people who never called.)  They'll hurt you and/or make you angry, so have someone who can act as a buffer zone.  When you get to the party, find out right away where the bathroom is so you can make a tactical retreat when necessary. 

3. Don't drink.  Believe me, you'll drink more than you expected to if you do.  People will push alcohol on you to help you feel better -- which really means that they want to feel better.  If people try to push you to drink, move away from them or leave the party.  Even if you successfully numb the pain for a while, it will only be worse later.  

4. Nurture yourself in your own way.  Get a massage, treat yourself to a dinner of ice cream and cookies, spend a day in your pajamas, rent or buy musicals. Take hot baths. Go for a long walk. You deserve it -- besides, one of the sad things that death teaches us is that this life is not forever.  Don't postpone your joy.  [See also my longer post about Holiday Survival: How to Take Care of Yourself.)

5. If you can, shop during the day.  Take time off from work if you have to. Try to go with a friend.  You don't want to go when the stores are the most crowded.  If you can, do your shopping online and avoid the crowds and insanity, which will just make you feel like the only person in the world without a loved one.  It is okay to buy a gift for the loved one who died -- a special ornament for the tree perhaps.  Or to get something for yourself that you just know is the kind of thing they would have gotten you. 

6. It's okay if you don't celebrate this year.  You don't have to put up lights or bake cookies unless you really want to. After all, it's your house.  It's your life.  It's your grief.  The neighbors and relatives can stuff it -- the only people who matter are the ones who live with you.

[See also my post on Grief and the Holidays: Answers for the "How are you?" question.]

Holiday Color, California Style

Now there's a jolly sight:  coffeeberry bush in full color.  Taken on Saturday's run in the local hills.

Start your kick whenever you're ready

Each calendar year resembles a road race.  That's just the way I've thought about it for several years.  Most of the races I enter are 5 Kilometers, 3.107 miles.  So to me the calendar pages correspond approximately to the laps of a 5000 meter race on the track.

You start out with the pack at the top of the year, intense and focused.  You try to maintain some kind of pace.  By the time the "dog days" roll around, it's like that part after the two mile point where my attention starts to wander; my stride length and frequency drop off unless I struggle to maintain the pace.  

But here are heading up to the finish.  If the year were a 5K, then this coming Saturday (December 1) would be the start of the last quarter mile.  You can stick it out for one more lap, can't ya? 

Feel free to shift gears and kick it in.

Milkweed

In October of 2011, one of the first major excursions after my surgery was a slow walk up one of the local trails, where I happened to see a monarch butterfly caterpillar on California Milkweed (Asclepias californica).

Yesterday on my muddy long run I passed the same place, where there is an expanding patch of milkweed on the hillside (good news for the monarch butterflies!).

The slender little asclepias californica pods were splitting open to release their downy wind riders.

Does the rain act on the pod exterior to cause it to split when the seeds have the best chance for germination in moist soil?  It's all chemistry and physics and vectors and things, but behind it all there is -- isn't there -- the dearest wisdom, the most ingenious survival plan.

 (The pictures embiggen if you click on them, in case you hadn't tried that.)
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Update:  29 July 2014.  Since Attentive Reader Dgnativegirl (see comments) knows more about milkweed than I do, here's a link for Asclepias fascicularis. (That's what Mr. Monarch Caterpillar is on in the first picture, so it's probably what those seed are as well.)

Glorious afternoon run!

The road really does seem to go ever on and on from this vantage point.  This is what late November looks like in the Northern California coastal hills.

Since the weather was cooperating, I did my "long" run this afternoon instead of Sunday morning.  5.7 miles.  Some of the hill trails are quite steep -- I walk some of the ups and some of the downs.  Since we have had rain recently, the adobe mud was in fine shape, adding weight to the shoes with every step in some spots where it was seeping.  But since the weather has been dry for a week, there were also spots where the trail is firmly molded into whatever shape the local traffic pushed it into when it was wet.  This is park land, but they lease it for grazing.  Cattle hooves create amazing texture when the adobe is pliable, and when it dries in those craters and mounds, it is a very difficult running surface! 

I'm glad I didn't have any thought of speed workout today.  I just let my watch run while I took pictures or admired the views, and walked wherever I needed to, which included drink breaks and bird-watching.  Great aerobic workout, great strength workout on those hills, and totally awesome mental-health miles.

Plus I always feel like a real trail runner when I come home with muddy legs!

Inflation at my house...

The experts define inflation as an expansion of the money supply that outpaces economic growth. So really, you silly people, there's no inflation.  Kwitcherbellyakin. 

But three weeks ago I bought two gallons of milk for $3.29 per gallon.  On Friday?  $3.99 per gallon. 

See?  That's not inflation, that's a real price increase. 

Oh, misery and pain!

Blest and Happy