First we pick the coffee beans at their peak, after consulting a coffee astrologist regarding the phase of the moon, and after certifying that the beans are grown on sustainable farms run by organic coffee farmers who have not been vaccinated.
Then we grind the beans, one by one, in harmony with their natural rhythms, using a proprietary method first to euthanize them in a humane manner accompanied by the recorded sound of waterfalls and zither music.
Next we procure pure water from a high mountain stream in a progressive-controlled jurisdiction. We filter the water through layers of unbleached hemp fiber and conflict-free diamond dust to remove any lingering phobias or impurities.
To the sound of mystic drumming, we place the freshly ground coffee into a reusable hemp-cloth filter in the coffee maker's receptacle cone. The coffee maker itself is of course designed to gently raise the pure water to the optimum temperature before . . .
< sound of phonograph needle scratching across the surface of a vinyl L.P. record >
Wait, what? I am the opposite of a coffee snob. I hate it to be cooked to toxicity, but to me the perfect cup of coffee¹ is the one that's there when I want it, with a minimum of fuss!
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¹ Mrs. Crowndot reminds me to point out, dear reader, that by "coffee" we mean real coffee², not decaffeinated coffee.
² As of this writing, "real coffee" at Casa Crowndot means big red tubs of Folgers regular, Folgers Black Silk, or Folgers Colombian Dark Roast. To be authentic Crowndot brew, the coffee³ must be purchased on sale and placed in the strategic coffee reserve for an undisclosed period of time.
³ See footnote ( ¹ ).
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